Series of Unfortunate Events

Well, the time has come that I have been dreading for a long time.  Donnie is in Oklahoma City at The Children's Hospital until July. Every time Donnie leaves to go somewhere for some distance of time a series of unfortunate events happens.  Usually its something with the car or the dishwasher.  Something that's a man duty.  Easter is this weekend.  I had parental obligations to take care of.  Liana's little friend Ella invited her to go to story time at the library with her, so she went on a play date and I went shopping.  After a few hours of shopping, I come home.  I come inside for a few minutes and go to throw lunch garbage away.  I walk towards the dining room and spot both cats hanging out. The cats just don't hang out together.  In fact, they hate each other.  I don't think much of it really.  They happen to both be in the same area at the same time.  OK.  I walk back towards that direction a few minutes later and NOW I understand why they are near each other and not engaging in a vicious cat fight.  There is a snake slithering around the dining room floor.

  Oh My God.  Oh My God.  OHHH MY GOOOOD.  I take a picture and immediately text Donnie.  " There's a Fucking snake in the house!" He is most likely in surgery.  He doesn't immediately text me back.  I walk down to a neighbors house to see if he can remove the snake; he isn't home either.  I look for any neighbors...nobody is around.  I'm feeling a little deserted at this point.  Donnie calls after a little while and says " just get a broom and sweep it out."  Ok.  Donnie isn't going to be home in the next few days.  I can't live outside.  I decide I'm just going to have to put my big boy pants on and take care of this myself.  I go to find the broom and I can't find it.  I remember the other day that the girls needed the broom to sweep off the trampoline bc of the neighbors tree.  Its probably outside.  I head to the patio door to get the broom and the snake is nowhere to be found and the cats are hovering over the air vent.  FUCK. FUCK FUCK. 

My friend brings Liana back home.  She suggests I call an air duct cleaner to see if the snake can slither back up out of the air vent.  If it dies in there, it's going to stink.  I think this is a good idea.  I call somebody in the phone book and ask my idiotic question.  He says that's a good question.  I really don't know. He said it could depend on how big the snake is and how angled the vents are.  He suggests I try to stick a vacuum hose in the vent and try to vacuum it out.  I have a shop vac. It sucks up anything.  I get it out.  My friend Shannon sits there and laughs at me.  It probably is really funny. I stick the hose down there and hear it sucking up a bunch of stuff.  I check the shop vac and still I can't find the snake. Whuck.  I give up.  The snake is still nowhere to be found.  With as much as I hate insects of any kind and snakes even more, the snake will probably find me while I'm sleeping! I hope this is not the series of unfortunate events that begins while my husband is away.  He has been gone two days now.  This is not a good start!